why so secret?

It is with much regret that I tell you I will not be pregnant ever again.

I will never again know the joy of being the only one to feel a child's first flutterings inside my body. I will never again walk miles of labor to push another child into this world. My breasts will never again ache with their fullness of sustenance. My weight gains from now on are completely my fault, not to be softened by the flow of warm, baby breath in a solid, heavy warmth snuggled on my chest while rocking. The joy and pride in seeing first smiles, steps and words. For Cate reached those milestones long ago.

Why, you ask, has this choice been made in my life? I found out recently I need to have surgery to repair my anterior wall. What is the anterior wall you ask? It is the front part of a woman's uterus and sits behind the bladder. Mine has been stretched and abused by my four large children so much that I no longer have much control. That's right, I'm 27 and have incontinence problems.

And I am tired of this being a secretive thing in our society! Women do not discuss the nitty gritty consequences of childbirth. No one talks about Baby Blues, Post-partum depression or this. Stress Incontinence. I can't go jogging. I can't jump on the trampoline with my kids. I must wear a Depends pad to aerobics class! It's embarassing and I'm going to talk about it. I realize there are plenty of women who have more kids than I that may never have the extremity of issues that I do. My body just responded differently to pregnancy than others.

It's true I don't absolutely have to have the procedures done right now. I could live this way for a few more years before I have a prolapsed uterus. Oh, that's when your uterus starts falling out of your body. Which is what I'm at risk for happening in about ten years. How do they repair this you ask? There are two procedures that will be done. One is a urologist will insert a cheesecloth-like sling under my bladder to support it and bring it up to where it should be. Then the GYN will stitch the muscles of my anterior wall tighter so the integrity of it will be returned.

I am so grateful for the beautiful, healthy children I have carried. I just always thought there would be one or two more of them. So, I am taking each day a little slower. Savoring each time my children snuggle onto my lap and the tight hugs Cate gives before I lay her down for a nap. I will miss naptime so much when it finally comes to an end. I will be a wreck in four years on the day she starts Kindergarten.

I always wanted to be done having kids by 30 and I got what I wanted.......